GMS and Me

Phew ... it's been a while since I cried myself to sleep!

Last night was so odd for me.  I will be the first to admit that I am an emotional being.  I will admit I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But when it comes to parenting, I'm a pretty tough cookie.  Maybe it has to do with lose of three pregnancies and a lack of bonding with my fourth.  Maybe it has to do with the delay in bonding with Buddy period.  It wasn't until he was almost a year old that I think it REALLY hit me and I started falling in love with my son.  Postpartum depression was thick for me.  The toughest year of my marriage.  All those things really hit me hard in 2007.

So here I am now in 2009, heading back to work and having to see less of my son.  It's a tough call ... we have created a lifestyle that requires $X to meet our financial obligations, and with that comes the reality of starting a business and needing some supportive funds to meet those obligations.  So here I am having to make some decisions  It means change for all of us.  Longer hours at daycare for Buddy.  A new daycare away from the friends and caregiver he has grown to love over the past 6 mths. 

And last night, after I made that final decision (yes to specific hours at a new job and new daycare for Buddy) I felt sick to my belly.  I cried myself to sleep thinking through all the changes that meant for my precious son.  Is it the right choice for him?  The best choice?  Will he adjust okay?  How will his little personality be molded by his teacher and new friends?  Isn't personality molding in my job description as a mother?  I think GMS kicked in hard.  They say it hits most mothers at some point, specifically with their first child.  It hasn't hit me with the knees scrapes, or the no-veggies-available-at-dinner moments or even the voice-was-a-little-loud moments.  But last night Guilty Mom Syndrome definitely hit home.

I always wanted to be an at home mom.  At least till Buddy was 3 or 4 and he was enrolled in preschool.  However, that is not possible for us in this season.  And is my son missing much?  I wouldn't say so.  We spend the majority of our time running, playing, hiding and doing puzzles.  The hugs and kisses are abundant in our home and the prayer of a close relationship is already being answered.  So I really have nothing to be so nervous about.  Besides ... I really never wanted to be this kind of mom.

And this tops it off for me ... I am an Early Childhood Educator by profession.  I have been on the other side of this scenerio umpteen times at preschool.  I was the one comforting the mom or dad.  Telling them that Joe is just fine.  That Susie stops crying within moments of their departure.  The adjustment and transition for these little ones rarely takes more than a couple days.  And my son ... he's a social butterfly like his momma!  So really ... what am I so paranoid of?

Needless to say, despite the kleenex used, I am ready to make this new season the best it can be.  We will walk this transition with our heads held high and the kisses/hugs running wild.  And I know ... this whole thing is probably gonna be tougher on me than on Buddy.  September 28th will let us know ...