Honest Diagnosis

Typically when I decide to post, I have had a major revelation, a neat family adventure to write about or I'm completely bored and trying to find something! Today it's none of those. Instead, it's a realization of who I am and one of the many challenges that face me.

Within the past nine years, I have walked through a few trials and a few celebrations both of which have shaped me for the Alex of today. One of those not-so-celebrated moments, was back in 2003 when life circumstances as well as physical ailments brought around a diagnosis of Major Depression. There were many things that had taken place over the previous two years: a provincial move, two pregnancy loses, financial instability. A lot of things. Our close friend and pastor at the time noticed some of the challenges I was having dealing with daily life. He suggested meeting with a Mental Heath Physician. So we did.

In hindsight, I can say the doctor* we met with was a God send. She put it out there, asked the right questions and gave me a remedy to get well. When it comes to depression, there are 11 main symptoms to look for. Having five of them for a period of two weeks or longer brings around the diagnosis. I had 9 out of 11.

Once I was diagnosed, I was NOT ready to just accept it, plug myself with drugs and move forward. I had always been led to believe that we served a God who was more powerful than any drugs or psychotherapy, and if I had enough faith, and put my ideas/thoughts in line with the Bible, I would be just fine. So for the next week, G and I thought a great deal, prayed some more and decided that we would move ahead with medication and therapy. God had put many things/people in our paths to bring us to this point. And we believed that He would use those people in my treatment.

I was in pretty deep. There wasn’t anything I had motivation for, desire for or even tolerance for. I would wake up in the morning and drag my butt around all day, if I had what it took to get out of bed. I started on the medication and had all the right intentions for therapy, but when the drugs kicked in, the therapy got left behind!

Why do I tell you all this? Because one of the things that I often dealt prior to that bout of depression were panic attacks, which can also be related to Anxiety disorders as well. (How they relate can be found here.)   And these days those crappy, conscious situations are rearing their ugly head. Am I in a depression now? No, I don’t believe so. Could it be an anxiety disorder?  Who knows ... all I know for sure, is that I neglected the part of my treatment for Depression that would help me set a higher standard now. How does one deal with those panic attacks? I literally have to stop everything I am doing, and concentrate on breathing - the very essence of what keeps me alive. It is the most horrible feeling in the world. To be overwhelmed with the ‘art’ of breathing, that everything else gets put aside for a period of time. How long? It varies. Three or four minutes to a couple hours. Man, it’s brutal.

And I have to snap out of it. I have a son, a husband, a church and friends who need me, who I need. There isn’t anything that can take those things away from me. And yet, these days I find myself in an unhealthy pattern of these situations.

So, that’s where I am today. I am still the bubbly, friendly, LOVE to spend time with friends and family Alex, but with a now not-so-private challenge. Your thoughts and prayers are valued and I will keep you posted on my ground breaking discoveries as they come about. I am believing them to rear their oh-so-beautiful heads real soon!  They have to for my families own sanity and health.

* I am so thankful to say that the doctor who met me, was already a friend and member of our church - a Christian woman who not only was a Mental Health Physician by profession, but a follower of Christ. She was truly a gift from God (and still is!) Love you JB!